My resolution

I usually don’t really do the resolution thing, but I have one this year.  My resolution for this year is to become genuinely ok with the idea of being permanently single and without kids as a permanent state and if I can’t do that, make up my mind to make a serious move that might change my situation…Like moving to a state that would be a more productive place to date (Anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon).   I’m really ok with the kids part to be honest.  It’s a nice idea, but I really don’t want kids unless I’m married and I really don’t want to have to give birth after about age 32 or 33.  I turn 32 in exactly 3.5 months.  So short of a serious oops there are no babies in my future.  The closer I get to 32 (the age my mom had me) the more ok I am with not having kids…It’s the marriage part that bothers me.  I don’t think it would if I didn’t live in the South where old maid status starts at like 25.  At home (NY/NJ) although I have a lot of married friends, I also have a lot of friends who are single or coupled up but with no intentions of getting married or having kids.  Makes life easier.  Not this constant cycle of having to make new friends every 2-5 years as  their lives evolve and your doesn’t. So, that said.  I’ve been whining about this for awhile now and I’m tired of hearing it from me so this is the year I’m facing it and dealing with it once and for all.

Therapy works

Things with Mr. FWB got more than a little complicated.  I started seeing signs of manipulative tendencies I didn’t like.  Rather than doing what I would have done in the past and excusing them multiple times, I forgave the first time because I played a role in that mess.  The second time when he freaked out over something every other guy I know would have laughed off I put the brakes on hard and downgraded him to just friends.  Period.  This would not have happened without the lessons that came from therapy following my life with BPD ex.  I don’t have room to keep giving chances.  I understand where his weirdnesses come from, but as much as I adore this guy, it’s not worth it to be in a constant state of up and down that I can’t predict.  So as cool as he is, he’s been strictly friend-zoned.  I don’t have time or energy to keep trying to make it work with him.  So yes, therapy works.  If you have a good therapist, things start to make sense and you really can change your thought process.  That said, I want a new distraction to play with for the time being.

It’s good for me

Mr. FWB and I are traveling a complicated road.  One day it’s just friends, other days it’s friends with benefits, sometimes we’re dating and sometimes he’s campaigning to be the boyfriend.  The basis for all this is a strong friendship that totally amuses me.  Anyone I can talk to for 2-3 hours at a time about everything from silly stuff to serious business has won half the battle. Hanging out with Mr. FWB has caused me to reflect a lot on the ex.  Aside from the abusive craziness, I should have seen earlier on that we had nothing in common intellectually.  For the most part, I blamed it on socioeconomic stuff, but Mr. FWB is from a lower middle class background and isn’t crazy educated, but he’s a nerd.  He’s a smart guy.  He’s the first person I’ve “dated” in YEARS who can listen to me talk about work and ask real questions about what I do.  We have real conversations.  It’s crazy.   I forgot what it’s like.  Anyway, back to the ex…I should have known the first time that she couldn’t follow the idea behind “Man v. Food” (Yes, the show with the guy who does all those eating challenges.) that we weren’t a match.  Even if she had never turned crazy, we wouldn’t have lasted because I was bored to tears with her.  I mean of course, the abuse was a huge part of why I shut down, but aside from that I was bored.  There was nothing intellectually stimulating about her.  There was nothing challenging or exciting about her.  There was nothing about her that made me want to be a better person.  I did all those things for her, but it definitely was not reciprocated. 

I have no idea where this thing with Mr. FWB is going.  I’m just sort of going with the flow.  Honestly, I don’t think either of us really knows what we want and that’s kind of ok for now.  For now, it’s just good for me to have someone who challenges me and pushes me to do better on all fronts.

Ups and downs

So I’ve been wondering about certain aspects of the “relationship” with Mr. FWB.  He seemed to vacillate between fun temporary hook up, FWB who would continue to be friends post benefits and some need to be my boyfriend. Last night a casual phone conversation turned into him emotionally vomiting all over me…Now I understand his weird behaviors.  He’s developed a certain amount of emotional investment in me and he feels my detachment…Or maybe it’s better expressed as he feels my lack of serious emotional investment.  That’s not to say I don’t like him and enjoy his company, but it never occurred to me that he had a legitimate interest in me beyond the physical so I turned off the part of me that might have moved my initial physical attraction into a more serious connection.  Most of our conversation has been blatantly flirtatious and heavily sexual although there’s been an odd hesitation to actually have sex (this is what made  me question things  a bit).  Anyway, he described me in a way that legit hurt my feelings.  Like REALLY hurt my feelings.  I was shocked.  I didn’t cry, but I was close.  After we hung up, I texted and asked him to come over so we could at least talk in person (he was around the corner from my apt when the initial conversation started and was on his way here and randomly turned around).  He never answered, so I called him (he tends to answer texts faster than calls) and he sent that call directly to voicemail.  I gave up and went to bed with what he said weighing heavily on my mind.

Woke up this morning really late.  I forgot to reset my alarm last night so I slept 4 hours later than I normally would.  When I checked my phone, he had called twice but left no voicemail.  I called back. No answer.  I texted back. No answer.  I do not know what to do with this anymore.  There’s a conversation that needs to be had, but I’m not sure I know what the conversation is…If he wants a girlfriend (which is what it sounds like) then that needs to come out so I can backtrack us back to the friendzone as quickly as possible before anyone’s feelings get hurt.  If he wants to continue with friends with benefits, I need to know what that means to him because it’s pretty clear that whatever is going on between us means two totally different things.

I swear, I’m staying single until I die.  My vagina might sew itself shut, but I’m getting to a point where I’m starting to pray for asexuality.  Women are too emotional, men suck at communicating.   Relationships and dating are annoying.  A nice, casual, FUN situation shouldn’t be that hard to find, but apparently I’m wrong.

Too much for one title…

Ok where to start…Umm…Well, the new boy who is lurking finally took it there…We were hanging out and hands started wandering…No there’s no sex yet, but we’re definitely physical now.  It’s funny because we haven’t kissed yet.  That’s the whole weird thing about being friends with benefits.  You walk this fine line between intimacy and a physical relationship.  Kissing is almost too intimate.  Kissing is feeling based.  It’s something you do with someone you care about…So yeah, no kissing.  I’m not anti kissing, but I need him to initiate that.  I’m certainly not going to do it especially since we are definitely flirting with the line between dating and FWB already.   A little too much texting, a few too many phone calls, too many compliments and cutesy-ness…It’s fun, but this does not need to become an actual relationship.

I’ve been thinking about compliments…I’m in the midst of this weight loss thing and it never ceases to amaze me the things that people say.  I am one of those blck women who workout.  I have a relaxer, but I don’t really care about my hair so I train and I train hard.  I sweat til I smell bad and pretty much destroy my hair.  I lift like a guy and for the most part I can keep up with the guys.  How is this relevant at all?  Well, the stupid things the guys say to me.  They always start out as compliments and derail into insults of every black woman they can think of…Things like, “It’s nice to see a black woman in the gym…At least one of you understands obesity isn’t cute.”  Ummm…Thanks?  I think?  WTF kind of compliment is that? Then there are the ones that speak and when I answer them say, “Oh hey cool,  you don’t sound like one of those steroid chicks!”  Again…Wha?!  That’s not a compliment…That’s…That’s…I don’t even know what that is.   I swear one of these days I’m going to snap and go off on one of these guys and explain to them that insulting other women is not how to compliment me.  It’s just so strange.  Can’t they just say “It’s kick ass that you lift like a guy” and leave it at that?   Who cares about what other women do?  Why is that even relevant?  I just don’t get it.