Ups and downs

So I’ve been wondering about certain aspects of the “relationship” with Mr. FWB.  He seemed to vacillate between fun temporary hook up, FWB who would continue to be friends post benefits and some need to be my boyfriend. Last night a casual phone conversation turned into him emotionally vomiting all over me…Now I understand his weird behaviors.  He’s developed a certain amount of emotional investment in me and he feels my detachment…Or maybe it’s better expressed as he feels my lack of serious emotional investment.  That’s not to say I don’t like him and enjoy his company, but it never occurred to me that he had a legitimate interest in me beyond the physical so I turned off the part of me that might have moved my initial physical attraction into a more serious connection.  Most of our conversation has been blatantly flirtatious and heavily sexual although there’s been an odd hesitation to actually have sex (this is what made  me question things  a bit).  Anyway, he described me in a way that legit hurt my feelings.  Like REALLY hurt my feelings.  I was shocked.  I didn’t cry, but I was close.  After we hung up, I texted and asked him to come over so we could at least talk in person (he was around the corner from my apt when the initial conversation started and was on his way here and randomly turned around).  He never answered, so I called him (he tends to answer texts faster than calls) and he sent that call directly to voicemail.  I gave up and went to bed with what he said weighing heavily on my mind.

Woke up this morning really late.  I forgot to reset my alarm last night so I slept 4 hours later than I normally would.  When I checked my phone, he had called twice but left no voicemail.  I called back. No answer.  I texted back. No answer.  I do not know what to do with this anymore.  There’s a conversation that needs to be had, but I’m not sure I know what the conversation is…If he wants a girlfriend (which is what it sounds like) then that needs to come out so I can backtrack us back to the friendzone as quickly as possible before anyone’s feelings get hurt.  If he wants to continue with friends with benefits, I need to know what that means to him because it’s pretty clear that whatever is going on between us means two totally different things.

I swear, I’m staying single until I die.  My vagina might sew itself shut, but I’m getting to a point where I’m starting to pray for asexuality.  Women are too emotional, men suck at communicating.   Relationships and dating are annoying.  A nice, casual, FUN situation shouldn’t be that hard to find, but apparently I’m wrong.

Too much for one title…

Ok where to start…Umm…Well, the new boy who is lurking finally took it there…We were hanging out and hands started wandering…No there’s no sex yet, but we’re definitely physical now.  It’s funny because we haven’t kissed yet.  That’s the whole weird thing about being friends with benefits.  You walk this fine line between intimacy and a physical relationship.  Kissing is almost too intimate.  Kissing is feeling based.  It’s something you do with someone you care about…So yeah, no kissing.  I’m not anti kissing, but I need him to initiate that.  I’m certainly not going to do it especially since we are definitely flirting with the line between dating and FWB already.   A little too much texting, a few too many phone calls, too many compliments and cutesy-ness…It’s fun, but this does not need to become an actual relationship.

I’ve been thinking about compliments…I’m in the midst of this weight loss thing and it never ceases to amaze me the things that people say.  I am one of those blck women who workout.  I have a relaxer, but I don’t really care about my hair so I train and I train hard.  I sweat til I smell bad and pretty much destroy my hair.  I lift like a guy and for the most part I can keep up with the guys.  How is this relevant at all?  Well, the stupid things the guys say to me.  They always start out as compliments and derail into insults of every black woman they can think of…Things like, “It’s nice to see a black woman in the gym…At least one of you understands obesity isn’t cute.”  Ummm…Thanks?  I think?  WTF kind of compliment is that? Then there are the ones that speak and when I answer them say, “Oh hey cool,  you don’t sound like one of those steroid chicks!”  Again…Wha?!  That’s not a compliment…That’s…That’s…I don’t even know what that is.   I swear one of these days I’m going to snap and go off on one of these guys and explain to them that insulting other women is not how to compliment me.  It’s just so strange.  Can’t they just say “It’s kick ass that you lift like a guy” and leave it at that?   Who cares about what other women do?  Why is that even relevant?  I just don’t get it.

 

Smile for the camera

One of the most common comments I’ve gotten since my ex and I broke up is, “You two seemed so happy!”  Honestly, I was unhappy for a long time.  A really long time if you consider she moved out our 9 month anniversary.  I’d say I was unhappy for most of it and was downright miserable for the last 3 months of it.   Ultimately, I was performing for most of my relationship.  When we were at home, I did whatever I could do to maintain sanity/status quo.  We had good moments, but I was very rarely happy.   In public, well…Because of her business cameras were constantly on us.  I’m a performer…I’m comfortable in front of cameras.  If I need to fake an emotion for the sake of appearances, I can.  There are some absolutely stunning pictures of me glowing with happiness from events where I absolutely wanted to kill myself…Or her.  Someone who knows me pretty well made a funny point about our relationship yesterday at a Thanksgiving gathering.   She said, “I knew something was wrong when I saw you with all those gay black people all the time.  That’s not you.”  LOL.  The person saying this is a gay black person just to be clear.  The person knew me well enough to know that I usually hang out with a diverse group of people…Straight, gay, bisexual and all sorts of random ethnicities.  The sudden influx of all gay black folks all the time is definitely not very me and was shocking to a lot of my friends.  I didn’t feel like me the entire time I was with my ex.  I lost a lot of time, but I’m making up for the lost time now.  The other thing that a lot of people noticed wasn’t very me was the fact that I was living my life on FB.  The number of tagged pictures of me quadrupled overnight.  I always limited FB pics to major events/outings.  Then all of a sudden, every weekend there were new pictures.  It was just too much. I knew I should have put my foot down, but never did.

I can’t keep analyzing it, but things come up all the time.  It’s funny how things are over but they don’t go away.  Little pieces keep coming back up.  I wonder how long it will  be before I can see friends without having to rehash to one degree or another.

So I’m 13 again…

So I expected to be a little weird with this being my first time back in the world of boy dating in years, but I’m like a 13 year old girl.  I’m a mess. An absolute mess over this guy.  It’s ridiculous.  He comes around and I turn into a giggling, stuttering, fool.  I have zero game and any smooth or swag I might have had has flown out the window.  WTF?!  I mean really, this is what muscles and testosterone do to me?  Good Lord!  I feel like an idiot.  It’s so strange.  Yes, there are women who have done this to me, but they’re few and far between…Then again I can’t remember the last guy that made me act like this.  It’s so annoying.  Ugh.

No, I’m not aiming for a relationship here…This is purely a friends with benefits situation.  I just wasn’t expecting my FWB to be someone I was quite so attracted to in general.  The sexual tension is insane…

Maybe it’s just because I haven’t had any real physical contact in so long, but whatever it is this guy makes me sweat.   At this point I just need to satisfy  my curiosity or my head is going to explode.

Seriously…I’m working on acting like a lady…Don’t know how much longer that will last though…

Well this is interesting…

So I’m attempting to date someone casually.  It’s a guy.  What makes the whole situation so interesting is that I think I’ve accidentally found the polar opposite of my now ex girlfriend.  First off, he’s a man.  Second of all, he’s the first person I’ve met in a looooooong time who works out more than I do.  Third, the initial attraction came from seeing me sweaty, gross, make up free and pushing big heavy weights in the gym.  He specifically spoke to me because he saw me training.  It started as a training thing and has evolved into an actual interest in each other.

The joke everyone is making right now is, “Well, if you’re going to go back to men, he’s the way to go!”   He’s a biiiiiiig dude.  Not very tall, but carries enough muscle for 2 people.  What I have to get used to is the natural “manliness” of a man.  For a lot of studs I know there is sort of a…Forced masculinity. They think being a stud means they have to be as masculine, if not more masculine than a man and it just sort of makes them jerks and in some cases it makes them chauvanists.  There’s no forced masculinity here.  It’s just the masculinity he was born with.  There’s no extra “tarzan chest beating” going on.  It just is what it is.  He doesn’t need me to be “a femme” or “a girl” for him to be ok being who he is.  That’s been the hardest thing for me with many of the studs I’ve dated.  I’m a tough broad…A strong chick physically.  I’m as femme as they come as far as heels and make up and hair, but I was born to be a strong, athletic girl.  If you’re secure in who you are as a stud or as a man, that shouldn’t throw you off your game.  I shouldn’t have to be weak for you to be strong.  I shouldn’t have to be a pathetic, silent, follower for you to be the “man of the house”.  So, yeah it’s nice to be around someone who isn’t constantly trying to force me into the weak girl role…Even nicer to be around someone who encourages and challenges my physical strength. 

The thing of it is…He’s a nice guy.  I’m on the rebound even though I’ve been emotionally done with things for at least 4 months now.  I initially thought he was just interested in a hybrid business and physical relationship…Now I’m realizing he genuinely likes me.  I’m really not looking for anything serious or long term.  I’m going to have to put the brakes on or someone will definitely get hurt.