It’s rough

It just hit me that I’ll spend this birthday single…I guess it’s better than last year’s birthday.  I spent last year’s birthday miserable at my own birthday party.  My ex was broke and refused to look to my friends to help her pay for things so everything was half-assed.  Dinner had unspoken $ restrictions (nevermind the almost $400 dinner we had for her bday), she was in a mood because she didn’t like the way I handled some of the people at my birthday party.  We fought when we got home.  It’s probably a blessing I didn’t drink or things would have escalated in a way I spent most of last year trying to avoid. Either way, I was hoping for something better this year.  In a way, being single is better.  In another way, it’s not enough.  Just once, I’d like to be the girl with the awesome significant other who puts together a great birthday.  I’ve had significant others, but never a great birthday while with one.  Just once, I’d like it to be a fun, happy day with someone I love. Actually, I’m tempted not to celebrate at all this year.  Just skip the whole thing at once.  It’s 32.  Not anything important. The only thing that’s hard for me is knowing that 32 was the age when my mom had me. The older I get the more I think about the fact that people thought of my mom as an “old mom” and if I ever have kids I’ll be an oooooold mom.  I can’t speak for white men because there aren’t a lot of them out there checking for black women.  It is what it is.  I just feel very stuck.  I was hoping 2012 would be the year things started to change, but right now it’s just another year of being stuck.   Isn’t there a turning point somewhere?  A point when my life will look different just b/c it’s time?  I can apply for all the jobs I want, go on all the dates I want, workout all I want, diet all I want, but until the universe decides it wants to cooperate, I’m just kind of spinning my wheels. 

Sigh.  I’m tired. 

Going back

I go back into regular therapy starting Monday.  I’ve been procrastinating on going back in on a regular basis, but I’m going back because I realized recently that I’m not really ok about some things.  There are maybe 2 or 3 things going on that I’m not really comfortable with right now:

1)  I’m avoiding the gay side of my life.  I haven’t been to a lesbian bar or anything resembling a gay event for the most part since I broke up with my ex.  I’m avoiding it because I’m terrified that we’ll run into each other.  Her temper is so unpredictable that being in the same space as her scares me so I just stay home unless I know I’ll have an army of people with me.  I used to be ok with going out to a bar by myself for a drink, but I’m realizing I’m not.

2)  I’m trying to date men, but I have frighteningly low tolerance for certain things in relationships with men.  It doesn’t take much for me to say NO NO NO.

3)  I”m not sure if it’s that I’m spooked by my experience with my ex or if it’s something else, but I’m having an incredibly difficult time deciphering between what makes sense as a grounds for saying enough is enough for dating and what’s me just avoiding the dating situation.

So that said, I’m going back to therapy.  It should be interesting to see how this goes.

Facing my demons

So you all know I’m dating.  Well, the most recent attempt at dating really tested how much I learned about myself and my negative behaviors with my ex.  The guy was very sexual in our initial conversation, but it was more question asking than anything overtly offensive.  Then when we met, he was super touchy-feely. I liked him as a person, but I felt like I was on a date with an octopus.  He asked me out on a second date and I figured I’d give him a second chance, set some hard and fast boundaries about the physical stuff and his response would tell me all I needed to know.  We never made it to a second date.  He made it pretty clear that all he wanted was sex on the second date.  He tried to clean it up, but bottom line was, “If you don’t plan to put out, don’t bother coming to see me.”  When I called him on his BS he tried to turn it around on me and blame me and my attitude for how he responded.  I cut him off with the quickness.  His response and my instincts told me everything I needed to know.   I told him I didn’t want to see him for a second date or ever again.

 

Despite the fact I handled it well in the end, I’ll admit I had a moment of weakness when he turned things around on me where I almost wasted time defending myself and arguing with him instead of just saying “Go away”.  Choosing to argue and defend myself is how I got in that mess with my ex.  Letting someone get in my head and make me feel weaker in my stance on something.  Thankfully the voice that tells me I’m right gets stronger everyday.  I look forward to the day that I don’t have a second thought and I just do what needs to be done right out.

Evolving friendships

Similar to the way bodies and fitness can change dating dynamics, it can change friendship dynamics too.  I’m steadily getting the impression that one of my very close friends is not the happiest with my weight loss.  We were away from each other due to some issues with my ex but we recently reunited.  I don’t think she was expecting me to be quite as small as I am.  I think part of our friendship dynamic has always been that I was the fat friend.  She met me at my biggest so never experienced what it was like before when I was small.  She’s not a small girl, but I always wore a bigger size.  That balance has been thrown off now.  I’m definitely smaller and my clothing options are expanding.  I get attention for my transformation that I wasn’t getting before.  People ask me about fitness and health.  I don’t think she’s comfortable with things the way they are now.  Whenever fitness or my body comes up she sort of shuts down, even if I’m not the one who brought it up.

In this case, I think she’s frustrated with herself more than she is with me. I think there’s a certain amount of “Why can’t I do that?”  She actually brought it up over dinner last night in an indirect way when a third party asked me about having a coach and dieting and things of that nature.  First she said, “I could never live like that” and then under her breath she said, “I probably should, but I can’t.”  She’s never been particularly comfortable with her body anyway and I think part of what made her feel better (even if it was a conscious thing) was that she had me who was bigger than her and even less comfortable with their body.  She doesn’t have that anymore and she’s slowly getting to the point where she’s the biggest of our group of friends.

I don’t want to lose my friend, but the kind of transformation I”m trying to make is one people notice and ask about even if you don’t want the attention.  What she fails to realize is that I get just as much negativity as I do positivity.  Lots of people are disgusted by women with muscles.  I get just as many side eyes and points and stares as I do compliments.  It’s funny, she’s always so supportive when I get something negative from someone else, but if I’m excited about a change in clothing size when we’re out shopping together or if someone compliments me, she becomes the negative one.

Even before I wanted to get back to the point where I could compete, I’ve always worked out.  I’ve helped this girl with  planning her workouts, I helped her stop starving herself, etc etc and it’s just sad to me that she can’t even remotely do the same for me.

Bodies and dating

So I’m dating again…Well, trying to date again.  I don’t know how successful it really is, but I’m trying. One of the things I really struggle with is the body aspect of things.  I’m in the process of losing A LOT of weight and returning to a body type that I prefer.  To make this more tangible for those who don’t know me in real life in November 2009, I was 215 lbs and a size 16.  I’m now about 154 lbs and a size 6-8-10 depending on who the designer is.  I have about another 25 lbs to lose to hit my “normal” weight and then since I plan on competing in figure and eventually women’s physique, there’s a good chance I’ll end up losing another 10-20 lbs beyond my “normal” weight. In other words, in about 9 months-1 year my body will look completely different yet again.  This makes me not want to date at all.  I mean, my ex (regardless of borderline personality disorder) really wasn’t interested in very muscular women and definitely made it hard for me to train the way I need to to reach my goals.  After she moved out, my weight loss moved so much faster because I wasn’t battling for training time and to keep crap food out of the house. Am I ready to get really interested in someone who might not even be remotely interested in me in 9 months solely because of what I look like?  I don’t know.  I’ve already had one guy ask me out for a second date and then disappear completely after he saw pics of me lifting (At least that’s what we think it is.).  Honestly, is it really fair of me to expect someone who meets me at this weight to be equally attracted to me 20 or 30 lbs smaller? I don’t know.

The other problem is that the hobby/lifestyle I’ve chosen requires an insane amount of discipline.  I’m not the most fun in the world to be around.  I’m on a strict nutrition plan 95% of the time.  I don’t drink.  I have to go to bed early b/c I’m up most days before 4 AM so I can train.  On weekends all I want to do is sleep. I don’t know if I’d want to date me either I sound boring on paper. LOL.  This might explain why most of the women I know who compete and participate in the industry I want to be a part of are married to men in the industry. It’s hard to understand if you’re on the outside looking in at it all.

So yeah, dating is hard.  It’s hard no matter what but this endeavor of mine that’s almost 10 years in the making makes it harder.  Part of me wants to just say that I’m not dating anymore, but does that really make sense?  Probably not. Until I figure it out, I guess I’ll just keep hoping I meet someone who gets it or is at least willing to try to get it.